Developing a strong Christian
personality: "If we are to judge ourselves truthfully, we need to
acquire self-knowledge. This is not at all an easy job and is in some
sense a never-ending learning process."
The light of faith enables us to
rightly judge our achievements and failures. The serene acceptance of
our own identity shapes our way of being and acting in society. It also
fosters self-confidence and lessens fear and shyness, and helps prevent
us from acting rashly; it makes it easier for us to be open to others
and to new situations while fostering optimism and cheerfulness.
The
positive or negative view we have of ourselves depends on
self-knowledge and the fulfilment of the goals we each set for
ourselves. To a great extent these goals take as their point of
departure the role models we choose of men or women we hope to emulate.
These models are presented to us in many different ways, for example
through the education we receive at home, through the influence of our
friends or acquaintances, and through the ideas prevalent in our
particular social milieu. And so it is important to define our reference
points, for if they are high and noble, they will foster a healthy
self-esteem. It is also helpful to be aware of the role models prevalent
in our society as a whole, as they can more or less consciously
influence our own self-evaluation.
Sometimes
we can form a distorted judgment about ourselves by adopting standards
of success that can in fact be unrealistic or even harmful: professional
success at any price, self-centered sentimental relationships,
pleasure-based lifestyles. We might overvalue ourselves after attaining
goals that some people seem to appreciate. Or the reverse is also
possible: we might undervalue ourselves for not having reached certain
goals or because some people don’t seem to appreciate us. These mistaken
appraisals are due in large measure to paying too much attention to
those who evaluate people exclusively in terms of what they achieve or
possess.
To avoid such risks, it is worthwhile asking ourselves
what our reference points are in our professional, family and social
life and whether these are compatible with a Christian perspective. We
also know that, in the end, Christ is the only complete and fully
coherent model for our life. Looking at our life in the light of his is
the best way to evaluate ourselves, for we know that Jesus is our
closest role model, with whom we have a personal and loving
relationship.
If
we are to judge ourselves truthfully, we need to acquire
self-knowledge. This is not at all an easy job and is in some sense a
never-ending learning process. If it is impossible for us to even know exactly what our
own voice sounds like or what our physical appearance is for others,
how much more do we need to admit that we are not the best judges in
assessing our own personality traits.
Besides personal
reflection, self-knowledge comes from what others teach us about
ourselves. This requires learning how to open up to those who can truly
help us: what a wonderful means we have in personal spiritual direction!
There we receive another person’s advice and consider it in relation to
a truly worthwhile ideal for our life. Self-knowledge is also gained by
our interaction with those around us, although we have to be on guard
against a superficial environment that can hinder self-reflection and
make it harder for us to get to know ourselves truly.
Therefore
we need to foster personal reflection and ask ourselves how God sees us.
Prayer is the best moment for this, since while getting to know God we
also get to know ourselves with the help of his light. Among other
things, we will seek his help to understand better the comments and
advice we receive from others. In some cases, we will see the need to
distance ourselves from other people’s judgements that are not very
objective or perhaps given thoughtlessly, above all when they judge
according to criteria incompatible with God’s will. We need to be
selective in who we pay more attention to.
Moreover,
since we are all partly responsible for the self-esteem of those around
us, we need to do all we can to make sure our words reflect
consideration for each person we encounter, seeing each as a child of
God. This is especially so if we have a position of authority or
guidance over others (a parent-child or teacher-student relationship,
etc.), trying to ensure that our advice and suggestions help to reaffirm
the conviction of their own worth, even when the need arises to correct
with clarity. By doing so, we provide others with the “oxygen,” the
hope they need to breathe and grow on their own.
Self-acceptance: God loves us as we are
When
we reflect upon our own way of being in God’s light, we are helped to
accept ourselves as we are: with our talents and virtues, but also with
the defects that we humbly acknowledge. True self-esteem implies
recognizing that we are not all equal and that other people may be more
intelligent, more musical, more athletic.... We all possess good
qualities we can develop, and even more importantly, we are all God’s
children. Here lies the key to genuine self-acceptance, the positive
sense of the self-esteem we need, rejecting any undue comparisons with
others that could lead to sadness.
In the final analysis, we
will accept ourselves as we are if we do not lose sight of the fact that
God loves us with our limitations, which form part of our path to
holiness and are the raw material for our personal struggle.
Facing success and failure
This
supernatural vantage point gives us a better grasp of our own way of
being and life story, and enables us to understand its full meaning.
Temporal events and achievements are seen in their true perspective, in
the light of eternity. Thus, while happy to see we have been successful
in some area, we also know that what is truly important is how it has
helped us grow in holiness. This is Christian realism, human and
supernatural maturity. Just as we should not be carried away by our own
success or the praise received from others, neither should we fall into
pessimism when facing failure.
At
the same time, admitting that external obstacles and our own
imperfections limit our achievements helps shape our self-esteem,
grounds personal maturity and opens the door to genuine learning.
Growing in true knowledge requires recognizing our deficiencies and
being ready to glean positive experiences from whatever happens to us.
“You say you’ve failed! We never fail. You placed your confidence wholly
in God. And you did not neglect any human means. Convince yourself of
this truth: your success—this time—was to fail. Give thanks to our Lord,
and try again!”
(Saint Josemaría Escrivá, The Way, no. 404).
We
are now ready to set out upon the way of the Cross, which teaches us
the paradox of strength in weakness, greatness in poverty, growth in
humiliation, with all its extraordinary effectiveness.
Acting with confidence and a readiness to rectify
Self-confidence
is more secure when it rests on knowing we are God’s beloved children
and not on the certitude of attaining a success that often eludes us.
This conviction enables us to accept the risk involved in any decision,
to overcome the paralysis of insecurity and to be open to new
situations. “A person is prudent not because he never makes a mistake,
but because he corrects his errors. He shows his prudence in preferring
to miss the mark twenty times rather than give in to an easy-going ‘do
nothing’ attitude. He won’t rush into things foolishly or behave with
absurd rashness. He will run the risk of his decisions. Fear of failure
will not make him give up in his effort to do good.”
(Saint Josemaría Escrivá, Friends of God, no. 88).
Given
our human limitations and our need to grow in self-knowledge,
rectifying means a personal enrichment that leads both to an increase in
our self-confidence and in our trust in those around us.
An indispensable virtue
Self-esteem
ultimately flourishes under the shelter of humility, “for this is the
virtue which helps us to recognize, at one and the same time, both our
wretchedness and our greatness.” When this attitude is missing, problems related to self-esteem may
easily arise. But when humility is present, it brings with it a realism
that enables us to evaluate ourselves correctly. While we are not
impeccable, neither are we totally corrupt! We are children of God, and
our shortcomings rest on an unimagined dignity.
Humility
engenders an interior atmosphere that allows us to know ourselves as we
truly are. And it moves us to sincerely seek the support of others and
also to lend them ours. In the end, each and every one of us needs God.
